I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
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She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
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He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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