I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize