Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
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I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
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Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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