every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
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2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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