phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
