Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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