they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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