So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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