so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
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You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
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Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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