lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
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When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
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I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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