My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
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Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
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100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.