We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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