The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
