You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
