This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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