people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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