party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
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Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
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I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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