he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
As shirtless as possible
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.