Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?