Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize