I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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