His hands were made for my vagina.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
