Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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