have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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