And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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