I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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