If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think your dad took our porno
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
