I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
