Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
