can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
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who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
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First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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