She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
