Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he was CRYING into my vagina
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I came so hard my ears popped.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
