i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
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I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
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He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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