This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
