This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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