Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
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But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
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Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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