Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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