Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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