Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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