I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
