my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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