the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i already hear my dad disowning me
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
