it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
