Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My feet surprised me
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