At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life