as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
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A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after