she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
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Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
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I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.