Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.