RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.