apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize