I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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