Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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