69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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