Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
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Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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