What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
