I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
